Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Back at it (cross)

I have no pictures to share from Whirlybird (you don't really need to see my muddy race number or a gratuitous shot of a Nutella-drenched post-race waffle, do you?)...
I don't have much of a race report to share, either.
It (the race/my race) went down quite predictably, all things considered (haven't raced cross in three years, have downgraded to Cat 3, riding once a week at best, blah blah blah...):
Lined up in the last row.
Didn't experience any jitters or nerves.
Clipped in and just went when the whistle blew.
Passed a handful of women, duked it out with some really fast & wily juniors (young enough to be my kids), got muddy, stayed upright, and doggedly dug in for a solid forty-five minutes.
Upon finishing, I soft-pedaled around the wet grass with a goofy smile on my felt really, really good to be back.

I had kind of given up on any notions of racing cross this hasn't really been in the cards what with a myriad of reasons/excuses (I'm broke, I haven't trained at all, I'm barely riding, all my energy is devoted to my kids/therapy/staying afloat).
Still, a spark was lit whenever my dad talked about his race, whenever I saw a little cyclocross action on my Facebook feed, whenever I saw my cross steed hanging dejectedly among all the other bikes I don't ride these days.
When I got the official okay to downgrade (not just "okay"...a get-back-out-there-and-enjoy-it okay), I figured why not?
So, last Friday night I packed up my gear (and then packed doubles of everything, knowing a wet race was forecasted) and went to bed thinking, "I'm waking up early to race."
At 3am, a steady rain woke me...I imagined the muddy preview of the course, hurriedly changing into dry gear, shivering and soaked on the starting grid...Admittedly, none of that sounded remotely appealing to me and I went back to sleep wondering if I'd have a change of heart come morning.
Well, morning came and I burrowed into my warm blanket as the rain fell, thinking, "Staying in bed would be the easy thing to do."
I didn't want to do the easy thing.
So I raced.
Out of shape, out of sorts, out of my comfort zone (I find I barely have a comfort zone lately, anyway).
It was awesome and it breathed a little life back into me, which is really all I could have hoped for.
A win, in my book, even toward the back of the pack.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Happy Birthday, Mom...

Dear Mom,
Today you should be turning 61, but you are no longer with us (here, in the flesh, at least).
I feel your presence and see you in my dreams (and I'm sorry I was short with you in that dream last night)...
I wake up some mornings anticipating seeing you, as if we have plans.
I reach for the phone and catch won't answer it, you're not here/there.
Luckily, I heard you laugh and speak and sing for 39 years.
Long enough to remember, long enough to have those sounds ingrained within me.
Yet...not long enough.
I miss you, mom.
I wish things had turned out differently & I wish we were celebrating another birthday with you.
Here we are. 
We'll share a Delirium in your honor and we will keep remembering. xo
With love,

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


A member of my local Mom's Group lost her baby girl yesterday at twenty weeks.
So, yeah, September hasn't been my best month, but I'm done bitching about my "troubles."
I'm going to ease out of September gently...
I'm going to start over, slowly, next month and try harder to recognize and honor all the things I am grateful for.

I see single track, miles of trails littered with acorns in my near future.
Halloween costumes for two blessedly healthy kids.
Eating my weight in candy corn.
Campfires in the back yard.
Cider donuts.
Jumping into giant piles of leaves with my kids...
(Sike...that last one freaks me out...all those spiders and sh*t)

Perspective. Working on it.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Not ready for All the Fun...

Went to an end-of-summer BBQ tonight with Bill and Max.
In spite of all the friendly faces and festivities, I felt like a complete outsider.
I've never felt so disconnected from everything and everybody.
I feel safe and comfortable amongst my own little tribe/family, but the moment I step out of that bubble, I'm a mess.
Exiting a party like a ninja ("ghosting", I believe, is what it's called) is my signature move no matter the mood or occasion and tonight was no exception...
The difference is, I didn't quite feel like I was even really there in the first place.
I'm sure I made small talk and exchanged pleasantries...
I'm (fairly) sure I didn't make an ass of myself...
But, I felt like the words coming out of my  (very sober) mouth were coming from somebody else.
Feeling this way is a fucking nightmare.
Yesterday, I discovered my pharmacy made a pretty drastic error with my medication and now I'm paying the price.
I know I'll get through this, hopefully without any serious implications, but right now it sucks and I don't even want to have fun.

Wtf, indeed...

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Mad at myself

This morning, I had every intention of riding my bike to my therapy appointment.
New tires on my cross bike.
Fresh Stans (thanks, Bill).
Gear laid out, at the ready, the night before.
As for the weather today? Perfect.
What is my deal??
Instead of riding, I headed out (in my car), stopped for coffee and found myself sitting on a park bench with a half hour to kill.
It's not even like I don't get quiet time to myself like that...
Daily, I have a decent chunk of time while my little one naps to do nothing, if that's what I need.
Lately, I feel paralyzed...stuck, whenever I have the opportunity to ride/run/enjoy the glorious weather we've been having.
No doubt, I'll be kicking myself come the freezing, gray days of winter...
Kicking myself for wasting this time.

I seriously need to get over this because moving/going hard (or even going easy...but, at least going in some capacity) is probably exactly what I need to rid myself of this feeling.

I think I'm still relatively fit.
If anything, I've lost weight this past month in spite of my sloth-like behavior.
So, yeah...
I'm mad at myself for this.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


One of my earliest memories:
Me, sitting on the faded green director's chair in front of my dad's stereo, headphones perched on my curly mop, listening to Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely" on vinyl...

My dad is taking me to see Songs in the Key of Life performed live by Mr. Stevie Wonder in November.
To say I'm excited would be an understatement.
I've been jonesing to see/hear some live music & I can only imagine what a treat this will be...

Thanks, BP, for instilling your deep love of music in me...what a gift.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Coffee with my mom

This morning, as I gleefully bounded up the stairs for my annual, umm, "female" exam (yes, "gleefully" is sarcastic), I had a surprising recollection of my mom accompanying to this office a few years ago. 
While I'm usually inclined to not share my doctor appointments with an audience, I asked my mom to join me for a routine scheduled ultrasound at 9 weeks (or thereabouts) pregnant.
I remember the joyful tears in her eyes as we watched the teeny tiny beating heart up on the big flat screen in the dim room.
I am so thankful to have shared that experience with her.

After my appointment, I stopped in town for an iced coffee and brought it to the cemetery.
I laid out a blanket at the foot of my mom's grave and recounted (out loud) that day to her...the nerves and excitement that I had felt, the fact that I was so glad she had been there by my side.
I told her how Maeve points to the pictures of "Grammy" on our kitchen wall and leans over to kiss them/her.
I told her about my challenging ride in the humid woods with my dad last night.
I told her about the excitement in my brother's voice when he called to tell me about his audition for the upcoming prison talent show.
I told her about Max easing into fourth grade with a renewed confidence (or as Max would say, "swagger"...I know).
I told her about the pit I feel in my stomach, the ache in my heart, every time I think about her upcoming 61st birthday (9/30) I'll bake her a cake and we'll celebrate "with" her.

With my coffee finished and our conversation over, I sat in silence and soaked up the sunshine and perfect breeze.

I've said it before, but having my mom's final resting place so close to home brings me immense comfort.

I miss her every. single. day.
We're so fortunate to have such a beautiful place nearby to visit and reflect.

I see many more coffee dates with Mare in my future.