Friday, November 20, 2009

november

In the thick of it... Thanksgiving is all but sneaking up on me...in 4 hours I will wake up & get my bleary ass in the car pointed toward Long Island for more cross cross cross. Going to be a tough weekend (aren't they all?) and I can't wait. Won't be nearly as cold as last year...can't be. Maybe a little exploratory spin around Southampton to ogle all the ridiculous real estate on the beach? I was sick all week with a cold/fevery thing...just enough to render me useless at work & home. My kid is the best...he will be five soon, real soon... I'm going to Nationals. I'm freaking out the way I always do when I anticipate being away from my "pack" (my pack is really just my son, but...)... I'm freaking out the way I always do when I anticipate getting on a plane. Bend, Oregon isn't exactly easy to get to. Long Island is a lot closer than Bend, but I am freaking out a little about that, too...I always torture myself this way. Commit to something, cajole other people into joining the fun, fret about going away, fret about a million tiny things way beyond my control... Once, I saw a therapist every two weeks...I was in the worst tailspin of insomnia ever and it was pretty much ruling my life. Aside from the physiological effects of not getting any sleep, I was anxious about all the worries that would plague me all through the night, every night. It was a terrible loop to be stuck in, knowing that not only would I not fall asleep, but I would be up all night worrying worrying worrying. My therapist suggested a visualization technique (at the time, I was getting ready to go to Kansas City, for Nationals in '07)... I was caught up in so much anxiety about flying and racing and getting hurt and crashing my rental car and being away from my kid and being stuck in an ice storm in Kansas and... My therapist said, "Just imagine yourself pulling into your driveway at home after your trip...the lights are on, your son is there waiting, you made it back safe..." I suck at visualization. I keep trying, though.

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