Monday, February 23, 2009
...I think it's the sound the ice makes when the axe hits it... I wanted to hear it again. My mom is a little freaked out. "Think of your son..." I get it. I got it loud & clear when a chunk of child-sized ice plummeted inches from my head yesterday as we made our way across the frozen stream under the falls... It was one of those instances where you gauge your narrow escape by the expression on everybody else's faces..."Holy shit...did you see how close that was? How big that was?" I don't know...calculated risk? I mean, my son's dad has a notoriously dangerous job... I've broken bones in the wee hours of the morning stumbling out of bed into walls (remember, the day before Beacon?)... I totalled a car because someone else was making up their own rules about traffic lights and turning lanes... I worry about accidents and injuries and mishaps far more than I care to admit...I worry about my kid and my ability to care for him and god forbid, what if something happens... sigh... So, there was a moment of: RRRRR, Kim, what were you THINKING?! That's enough... but, it's taken a lot of hard work to get over that...to stop seeing all the terrible possibilities... I'm not really going anywhere with this...no great epiphany here, no glowing revelation... Just the sound of the axe hitting the ice...so satisfying, so clear...again & again...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Insomnia...I have been plagued by insomnia for years. For me, sleepless nights come and go in waves sometimes lasting days, or weeks, or (dreadfully) even months. In times of stress, predictably I get very little sleep...falling asleep these days is easy, but several hours later, I wake up & that's pretty much it for the night. Morning comes and I reluctantly climb out of bed, groggy and frustrated... I have tried sleeping aids (OTC remedies such as Tylenol Pm and benedryl as per my family doctor), ruthless sleeping pills, anti-anxiety meds just for bedtime when it's been reallllly bad, relentless in fact...we're talking months on end (Ambien, Ambien CR, Klonopin, Rozerem, Xanax)... I've tried bio feedback, visualization, meditation...I've consulted psychologists specializing in sleep disturbances/disorders... Suffice it to say, the insomnia is still very much a part of me...a restful, full night's sleep eludes me more often than not. Lately, the stress has been piling up a little bit more than I am comfortable with (nothing I can't handle, no surprises...perhaps more curve balls than I, or anyone, can juggle at a time)...out of desperation, I took one of my mom's sleeping pills last night... I don't remember much, but there was an interesting voice message from me to my parents sometime in the middle of the night... Apparently, I called some other friends, too...seems I just had to tell them about all the dolls in my bedroom staring at me (there are no dolls in my room...the only "doll" in my house is a Batman pillow)...I also voiced my concern should my son turned into cotton candy in the middle of the night, I may try to eat him. Okay... Two conclusions. Easy: 1. Maybe it's time to re-introduce a little refined sugar into my diet (you know, so I don't EAT MY SON IN HIS SLEEP) 2. Lunesta is not for me. (or is it? Man, I slept great!!)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Divorce sucks. Money woes suck. Bad news sucks. Worse news sucks... I am a smart girl. Why do I make dumb decisions? (this is me feeling sorry for myself) (the potential CO trip is mostly a birthday present from BP and I will likely be staying with friends...don't worry, I am not blowing what little dough I have on frivolous vacations...I wish that was my style...)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
2 weeks (mostly) sugar-free and I feel good...less groggy in the afternoon, less muddled mid-day at work. For the most part, I have more energy and don't even miss the stuff... Following the (free!) Herr's Snack Factory Tour (hokey, yet mesmerizing...four year-old approved), I did eat several chocolate-covered pretzel sticks. They were amazing, then I felt ill. Otherwise, I have been a good girl (whatever that means anymore). Sugar-free, however, does not mean Winter Blues-Free...admittedly, I am still in a slump. Bike rides don't appeal to me lately, no matter what the weather...in fact, the trainer has become a permanent fixture in the living room. I know this will pass, so I have decided to roll with it...I am not doing anything I don't want to do unless it is fun, unless I feel like it. Yesterday, I got on my cross bike and hit the road for a little over an hour...rolled through the spooky tunnels & completed the little loop we usually do to open up the day before a cross race. Today I enjoyed the woods with my son...under his direction, I was young Padawan, Asohka & he was Anakin (her best friend). We ran from Clone Droids and hid in the ruins before capturing our rival and finding our way back to the Republic Gun Ship. That was far more exhausting than any session on the trainer. That, I am convinced, is what keeps me young.... Oh, and in an attempt to curb my sad, sad obsession with Facebook, I've decided to make my sketchbook & colored pencils more readily available (and sharpened!)...there has got to be a better way to channel my energy, to spend my free time... Seriously, it makes me sick to even have to comment on this weird grip the whole FB thing has on me (you want to be my friend? Didn't you torture me on the bus in fourth grade?!...Oh, and YOU want to be my friend? Seriously? Didn't we glare at each other in homeroom? Weren't you a bitch to me??). I was fine without it, yet I can't stay away. Ugh. Lastly, I have delved into a new book (Guns, Germs, and Steel)...I am forgetting history and not feeling very smart lately. We shall see...
Friday, February 13, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I thought I was going for a hike...I thought my dad needed a belay partner...I wanted to get out and see something new, spend some time with BP.
I did something new...I have never even seen anyone climb ice...I've seen countless pictures, but I didn't know anything about the technique. I didn't know that you have an ice axe in each hand and that you pull yourself up with your tools, digging your feet into the ice with your crampons along the way...
I didn't know I could climb up a vertical slab of ice.
I wasn't scared or worried about the ice or falling or getting hurt or not being strong enough...
I wasn't anxious or even nervous...seems I am most at ease when I am pushing myself somehow.
I just paid attention, listened closely to some one who has been doing this for a looooong time...
I tried & it sort of clicked...
Initially, the tools felt kind of awkward (it's not like I swing a hammer every day), but I just kept moving until I got to the top.
I reached the top...
Sometimes the ice would make a strange, unyielding sound...and I would pause and just kind of marvel at the frozen waterfall right in front of my face.
Not surprisingly, my dad made it look easy...
I can't wait to do it again.
Friday, February 6, 2009
The winter blues have taken hold... I don't get it... Last year, I rounded the corner when February arrived...booties, gloves, and balaclava in a neat stack ready for anything, any time. This year, I am disorganized and (worse) unmotivated. Something clicked in conversation yesterday...I have not worked full-time since before my son was born, so I am now trying to stay active and be a good mom (I will aim for great when the temperatures rise...I am doing my best with what I've got right now) on a new schedule. Setting the alarm for 5am so I can hit the trainer isn't working for me. Commuting isn't an option, as I drop my son off at preschool (okay, daycare) which is only several miles from my office... Usually, I am pretty creative & resourceful, pretty good at not succumbing to this crap... As for the no sugar/no alcohol thing, it's not a "diet"...I found myself slicing an apple for a snack yesterday (with a little almond butter) and I kinda liked it. I don't eat fruit or veggies (potatoes and finely chopped peppers barely count). I bet I could count on one hand the number of times I've consumed an actual serving size of fruit in the past year. Pineapple and strawberries...that's it. I want to take better care of myself & be a good example to my son. That's what this is about. If I eliminate the junk, I'll replace it with something that is good for me...that's all. I owe it to myself to find out how it feels. The alcohol was kind of an afterthought...this time of year, feeling like I do (sluggish, lazy, down), adding a depressant to the mix is just stupid (no matter how delicious...ahhhhh, Delirium). So, today I should run or ride. And count the days til March begins.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
day three... sugar-free has relegated me to improper puncuation/capitalization/rationalization... and anything interesting or coherent to say, apparently. ummmm, so, like...you, know... No sugar makes Kimmy a dull girl. Dull. Sullen. Surly?? no, no...it's not that bad. It was kinda nice this afternoon, at work, to have this inherent defense mechanism when the almighty Girl Scout Cookies surfaced (every freaking variety)... I meant to hop on the super-fun way-cool trainer tonight, but cleaned the house & took a loooong bath instead. I promise this will only last a month. Then the Real Kim shall return (with, perhaps a newfound respect for nutrition and maybe something worthwhile to blog about...) Until, then...you are stuck with me. ugh.
Monday, February 2, 2009
This is day two of my "No Sugar (white, refined, fake, etc...), No Alcohol, No Gratuitous Junk" experiment and I almost blew it when my kid broke off a piece of his Nerd Rope for me... (I don't even like Nerds...I don't know what a Nerd Rope was doing in his posession anyway...do you even know what a Nerd Rope is?! It's gross...) This "experiment" was borne out of my frustration with my wacky eating habits and idiosyncrasies regarding food...I don't eat much bad stuff, but I certainly don't eat enough good stuff either...I figured I owe it to myself to see what I feel like after a month of no alcohol and no white sugar (all manner of sugar, with the exception of honey or agave nectar to sweeten my morning tea). It's a start.