Thursday, May 5, 2011

brooding

I worry and I brood and then I worry some more.
When I am done worrying, I worry even more for good measure.
It even has a name and when Dr. White kindly explained my diagnosis about eight years ago (in the midst of treatment for insomnia), I was hardly surprised.
What? This makes you a little uncomfortable?
Sorry.
Me, too.
It's why I write about bike rides and bike races and being a mom and wrenching on teeth and slaying stinkbugs and playing Star Wars and eating good food and dancing to Michael Jackson.

So.
When my feelings are hurt or when I may have done something to hurt somebody, I brood.
Long after the fact, when the air is cleared and everyone else has moved on, I worry and worry and worry.
It's a loop that I get stuck in more times than not.
I've adapted helpful skills to cope with this irritating idiosyncrasy of mine, but I have chosen not to go the med route.

The two coping skills that I find most helpful and successful are riding and writing.
I rode my bike today with my friend, Wendy.
We rode 13+ hilly miles of rocky trails.
We rode deep into the woods and chased each other up and down challenging climbs and tricky descents.
I was gross and sweaty and my back was aching.
Bugs were stuck to my chest and inside my sports bra and helmet.
It was an awesome ride, but sh*t was weighing on me.

40 minutes in the car, alone, with my favorite songs, a hot shower, a hug from my son, and I am still brooding.

So.
I blog.

My takeaway from this morning is a gentle reminder, friends:
Pause before you post/publish/chime in/send, lest you may unnecessarily hurt somebody's feelings.
Comments and posts can be deleted, but the sting might hang on a bit longer.
There is so much that I don't share on this blog (that's what drafts and journals are for), so please don't lose sight of the fact that it's not all here...there is a bigger picture and an actual life, a busy/complicated/full/real life outside of silly little "hardtales."



     

3 comments:

Neil said...

Very well said. Brilliant actually. You don't have to post this comment.

Kim said...

thanks, Neil.
and thanks for reading!

Kim said...

thanks, Neil.
and thanks for reading!