Saturday, June 25, 2011

wide the frig awake

At 3:30am, I finally get out of bed knowing full well there will be no more sleep in my immediate future...
With eight hundred channels to choose from, there are roughly 3 options of something other than weird infomercials to watch at that hour.
Since I've already seen Mommie Dearest 4 thousand times and I can't tolerate home improvement shows anymore, I settle on The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Dregs of TV at this hour, people...
When that is over, I watch All My Children (my mom's soap).
When that is over, I go upstairs with my book to read in my son's cozy bed, so as to not disturb my peacefully sleeping BF (son is at his dad's for the weekend).
Read for a bit as the sun comes up & finally feel like I can close my eyes and finally...finally doze.
As I lay, drifting, finally, to sleep, I feel something crawling.
Flinging my shirt up, I briefly glimpse a F*CKING SPIDER on MY F*CKING leg near my F*CKING undies...
a tiny little innocuous black spider, fast and wily...and tiny...
but, it's a F*CKING SPIDER. 
Crawling on me IN BED.
for real.
It takes one second to JUMP out of  bed, undress, shake everything, strip the bed, fling the stuffies [stuffed animals, Max calls them stuffies] across the room, ball up the sheets and blanket, heave the mattress up and around, move the entire bed all Hulk-like away from the wall (what, I'm going to leave that bastard spider somewhere in there to crawl on my kid, too?!) and hustle half-naked to the laundry room.
Now the sun is up and the peepers are peeping oh so cheerfully and boy am I wiiiiiide the frig awake.
So, I'm up and decide a cup of tea is in order.
Kettle is on and I am in full-on wake-up mode.
Laundry is churning, dishwasher's is tidy.
Kim is wiiiiiide the frig awake.
Kettle boils at last and I pour the water into my cup and what the FRIG??!
There are weird little glittery crystals floating in my cup by the hundreds.
Rinse a different tea cup, fill it with water.
What the frig? It's the tea kettle...
Kitchenaid items keeps letting me down.
Did you know I can't turn my Kitchenaid oven OFF?
I have to go down to the basement and flip the breaker every time I am finished with the oven.
Don't even get me started on that...not now, please.

So, now it's 6:22 and I am drinking my tea that I made from water that I boiled in a saucepan.
I'm freaking exhausted.
I hate F*CKING spiders.
and that motherf*cking spider is still on the loose.


1 comment:

lindsey said...

I can handle spiders, but other bugs freak me out. There was a huge, friggin' bug hanging out by my sink just staring at me, looking hungry. I wanted to do the dishes and to open the fridge, I had to put my back to it....yep, totally called the BF and said, "please come over and kill this thing."