Sunday, December 30, 2012

boot camp starts...soon

dinner last night
I enjoyed my first pint last night since...April?
Some things just make sense: La Chouffe, bacon, and homemade Belgian waffles with Nutella for dinner on a quiet, snowy night.
Were it not for the sleeping newborn in her bouncy seat on our kitchen table, it would have been just like any other Saturday evening at home.
I'm starting to feel normal again.
Less shell shocked, more like myself.
Thinking less about stretch marks and a mushy abdomen and more about fresh Stans and adding a granny gear to my Salsa for the transition back to riding.

(and for what it's worth, I've thrown in the towel with breastfeeding...I am more than okay with this decision)

In roughly five weeks (maybe sooner??), I'll make an attempt to get back on the trails.
When the new year begins, it's time to reign it in.
When does the MASS schedule come out?
So out of touch.
So out of shape...

Friday, December 28, 2012


I know how fast they grow...
everyone tells you and it's true.
My eight year-old climbed onto my lap this afternoon (I have a lap again!) and it doesn't seem like so long ago that he was my little bundle.

one week later

The good:
Whatever may lie ahead doesn't matter much right now...our baby girl has been mellow and sleeping well. I am not so naive to think this is it and we have a good sleeper. She is one week old (a week already?? what the?) and I know there could be a change in our very near future. I know she is getting used to being out in the world, just as we are getting used to a brand new baby...
We've been blessed with a pretty easy transition home and that's all that matters right now.

Also, Max has been handling the change pretty well. I don't think he feels like he's starved for attention and he genuinely seems to adore his little sister. Again, I know it's early in the game, but so far so good.

Bill, as a new dad, has been nothing short of amazing. When we came home from the hospital, I was recovering from both labor and illness and Bill made sure I was rested, fed, and hydrated right alongside our newborn. He's showing me that it's okay for things to be good...I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but we're working on that.

The bad:
Breastfeeding has been tough.
I didn't even intend to nurse our baby, but something changed and I wanted to give it a try.
In the hospital, I did not have Maeve room in with me at night because I was so sick, but all nursing attempted during the day was successful.
At home, she has refused the breast more and more and now that my milk is established, I've began pumping so I can at least supplement with a little breastmilk.
It's not even that I feel guilty giving her formula, I just really enjoyed the experience of nursing her and I'm frustrated that it's not working.
I also know not to give up on that yet...I know it doesn't come as naturally as one may think and it does take practice.
One other "bad" thing...
Bringing home a baby in the dead of winter when already faced with Seasonal Affective Disorder and postpartum hormonal chaos is challenging.
I feel isolated and anxious for sunshine...cabin fever sucks.
Things could be so much worse, though...and as I mentioned, I am sleeping.  
So, yay!

The Ugly:
Quite simply, my midsection.
I came home looking about six months pregnant.
My belly is swollen, mushy, and quite round.
Yeah, took nine months to get here, it's not going to bounce back overnight...blah blah blah.
Before I know it, I'll be back on the bike and feeling more energetic.
But, for now, I feel pretty gross.

How has it been a week?
This time last Friday, my epidural was wearing off and I was telling Bill it would be time to push soon.
I'll share the birth story soon.


Thursday, December 27, 2012

settling in

I'm sure there are some rough nights in my near future, but right now I am basking in how well things are going.
I was scared to come home with a newborn again...
I was scared of feeling helpless and inexperienced (hey, it's been a while)...
I was scared of those first few sleepless nights weeks when everything feels desperate and lonely in those late hours.
Thankfully, things have been relatively normal and manageable.

I keep pinching myself...

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

day two at home

Christmas is quietly winding down here and I am just so overwhelmed with gratitude to be home.
In between uncontrollable crying jags (will these hormones ever stop bossing me around?) and moments of zombie-like sleepiness, I've been reflecting on this amazing blessing and falling in love with my brand new little girl.

Bill and I gave her a bath tonight (barely any tears, surprisingly) and I had to keep reminding myself to soak this in...she isn't going to be so tiny and new for very long.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

at last...

Maeve Noel
born Friday 12/21/12 3:41am
7lbs 6oz 24 in (yes, 24!)

We are all happy to be home and healthy and together for the holidays...
Merry Christmas!

I'll be back after we are a bit more settled...xo

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

39 weeks

Still here, still very pregnant.
Doctor's appointment this morning revealed the following:
  • weight gain is fine (I stopped looking at the scale several weeks ago, and in turn have enjoyed this pregnancy much more)
  • BP is fine
  • baby's HR is fine
  • belly is measuring fine
  • everything is FINE
Everything is fine and for that I am grateful.
I can't help feeling disappointed that nothing has progressed.
Like, at all.
"Looks like you'll be having a Christmas baby. Somebody has to, right?"

What's another week (or more) now that I'm nearly ten months into it?
I mean, I'm kind of tired of my rib cage serving as somebody's jungle gym.
I'm kind of tired of being this shape.
I'm kind of tired of wearing the same three outfits.

Mostly, I am beside myself with excitement to hold our baby (when I'm not too busy being tired).
Come on

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I am ready (baby is not)

With my due date just 10 days away (10 days), I am ready...
It's weird to be anticipating such pain with this much excitement.
The closer I get, the more dejected I feel every time I don't experience any "signs" (and trust me, there have been zero).
I need to accept that everything will unfold in time, the baby will come.
I won't be pregnant forever.


Saturday, December 15, 2012

it makes no sense

The tragic events that took place in Connecticut yesterday rattled me and left my mind racing all afternoon and through the night.
I can't stop thinking of the families and parents of the children who lost their lives.
I can't stop thinking about how terrifying it must have been for all those kids at school.
All those little kids.
I counted the minutes, impatiently, to pick up my son at the bus stop.
We talked about his day on our walk back to the house.
Fridays are great...pretzel day, no homework...kid stuff.
Sometimes the school store is open on Friday and the kids can purchase inexpensive items like erasers, fancy pencils, small trinkets and toys.
Kid stuff.
Elementary school.
Stuff that makes Fridays fun and signify the end of a week's worth of hard work.
The television was off all afternoon at our wasn't a conscious choice and I was braced to talk about the events if prompted.
Instead, the draw of cookies warm from the oven led Max straight to the kitchen.
We sat at the table and tried (and failed) to make clever origami animals.
I said, "Screw it, Max. Get the scissors."
We made colorful snowflakes and Mexican wrestler's masks out of the paper instead.
My mind wandered & my eyes filled with tears (which I easily blamed on hormones yet again) and I wondered how my school teacher friends were processing this (if they could process this).
And my heart broke all afternoon and all night, mostly, for the kids.


Thursday, December 13, 2012

good morning

These blossoms greet me whenever I walk this particular loop and I am always amazed that they've hung on through frost, snow, and even a "superstorm." Hearty little bastards won't quit!

Long walk, sunshine, breakfast with my cousin, nap...
perfect Thursday morning.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

eat nap repeat

The past two days have given new meaning to "low energy."
I don't know if it's the gray skies or what, but I have been more inclined to want to crawl back into bed for a few hours more than anything else.
By December, the winter blues inevitably start to peck away at me, but I usually fight back with long rides and hard physical efforts outdoors.
I guess my long walks near home just aren't cutting it?
Or perhaps my body is telling me to slow down and save some energy for the big (biggest?) task at hand?

There have been tiny moments of motivation to cook and nest in between naps and endless cups of chamomile tea, so I seize them when the urge strikes.
Last night, I made lasagna...I've mastered ziti and homemade pasta and pizza dough from scratch and all kinds of goodies that would do Erma proud, but lasagna has somehow eluded me all these years.
Armed with a bit of guidance from Lidia, I assembled this little beauty for dinner while the boys went Christmas tree shopping.
(see, too tired to get a tree)
After fueling up on homemade goodness, Max cued up the Frosty DVD and we decorated our tree.

And of course even that wore me out and I fell asleep shortly after nine with my book splayed across my belly...

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I remember this

Every twinge, every cramp, every odd pain, every Braxton Hicks contraction that lasts just a tiny bit longer or feels just a tiny bit uncomfortable...
is this it? is this it?
No...this is 38 weeks and the waiting game.

Tomorrow is Bill's birthday.
December is a packed month around here.

Monday, December 10, 2012


One doctor said, "Any day now..."
Another doctor said, "Looks like you'll be holding out til Christmas."
From here on out, it's up to me if I want to be "checked" at my weekly appointments.
I think I'll just let nature take its course and not worry about how much I've progressed/dilated since my last visit.

all bets are off. I'm nearly thirty-eight weeks and I am ready not quite ready anyway.
Although I am rather physically uncomfortable, I'm fine with waiting a while longer (and let's face it, it's not really up to me).
Over the weekend, we made final preparations around the house (rearranging/re-purposing rooms/organizing) and for the first time in ages ever, everything has a place.
So, yes...
we are prepared, but I am not quite ready to part with the incredible feeling of building a human.
Now that I'm home and able to take it all in, I'm finally able to enjoy what is probably the last time I'll be pregnant.

Having said that, it would be really nice to be home and settled as a family of four for Christmas ;)

Thursday, December 6, 2012


"So, about six weeks til you'll be back on the bike?"
"More like six weeks after the baby is born." 

photo by Anthony Skorochod Charm City 2011

I'm no fool...
I know how hard this is going to be.
I also know I haven't done much in the way of maintaining the kind of fitness it takes to ride the way I am used to.
(I also have to step back alongside that sentiment and cut myself a little slack...this pregnancy hasn't exactly been a breeze)
Anyway, I miss it...

(not enough to get my ass out the door and go for a long walk today, evidently...I think I may have finally succumbed to Max's ailments)

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

37 weeks (full term)

Thirty seven weeks...
Here I am.
Resting at home with my feet up, hydrating like crazy.
Doctor's orders (in fact, there is a note in my purse that I must fax to work...maternity leave has officially commenced, a little earlier than anticipated).
All is well, everything is okay.

Monday, December 3, 2012

tomorrow he's 8

My son's been sick since Thanksgiving.
I took him to a new doctor this morning and he was promptly diagnosed with a double ear infection and
a sinus infection (this after 4 missed days of school, 2 and a half missed days of work for me, and 2 futile visits to our original pediatrician).
Anyway, he's finally getting some relief and that's all I really care about.

Tomorrow is Max's 8th birthday.
He's such an awesome kid and every day I feel lucky to be his mom.
I feel lucky that he clings to me when he's not feeling well...
I feel lucky that he feels confident enough to express outlandish ideas and ask me big questions...
I feel lucky that he's honest and sensitive and has a pretty keen bullshit detector...

I feel lucky that he's mine.
Happy 8th (!!) Birthday, Max!

Saturday, December 1, 2012

36 weeks (instagram documentation)

That is one big belly. 
I'm not looking at the scale from here on out, but I'm guessing there is an extra 33 lbs on my 5'2" frame right now.
It's exhausting, but look how happy I am!

my Crank Bros Gran Prix hoodie still "fits"...