Friday, January 31, 2014

peace out, kind of sucked

Happy to see this month end.
I've noticed the sunlight (daylight, actually...gray light, lately) is hanging on a little longer.
What. the. FUCK. January?
My nine year-old hates me and hates school all of a sudden (slight exaggeration and yes, I am complaining). 
My baby (toddler? she's...toddling) is sleeping like a newborn again.
Up and crying every hour from midnight on.
Not hungry, not sick, not teething (I even took her to the doc to rule out an ear must be, nothing).
Just crying and pointing at the door, like pick me up and take me out of here...
I think I'm supposed to let her cry it out, but I suck at that and in the moment, I'll do anything to calm her and help us both get a little more sleep/peace.    
Before I ruled out erupting molars, I even ordered a Baltic amber teething necklace OVERNIGHT from Amazon.
(it's a magical $20 homeopathic teething remedy...the baby wears this necklace made of individually knotted amber beads; the warmth of baby's skin releases succinic acid, which has healing properties and...WAIT, what???!!! I know. Excitedly/frantically, I put the necklace on Maeve and promptly removed it upon her first of many wake-ups last night...I'm like, "Huh?! Did I actually put a NECKLACE on my baby that she's supposed to wear 24/7 because it's going to help her feel more comfortable while teething??!!!" I'm telling you...desperate means for desperate measures, but a magic necklace?! Um, I don't care if it's designed to break if she gets stuck or caught on something...babies probably shouldn't wear necklaces and there is zero scientific evidence supporting these healing
See, I'm losing it.

So, I've decided I need a night out with my man, a stiff drink or two, maybe a Valium, a bike ride, and probably a haircut again.
Checking off the first two items tonight, god help me...
It will be February when I wake up (from not sleeping) and we will be that much closer to spring.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

catching up (in lazy bullets)

  • rode somewhere new...remembered just how much fun it is to discover new trails 
  • reacquainted myself with running on pavement (not as much fun as trails, duh) 
  • took my nephew sledding for his first time (!) was kind of a fail and it may have ended in tears, but I'm not giving up
  • shoveled my driveway again and again and again...and one more time because it just keeps on snowing (it sounds crazy, but I love to shovel the snow...I'm a firm believer in "getting a head start" and shoveling in the midst of a snowstorm only to wake up the next morning and shovel some more)
  • missed a visit with my brother due to a snowstorm (visits were cancelled due to the weather), but he wrote me a letter with a really cool drawing of a cartoon-y owl
  • played and lost trivia with my cousins
  • joined some teammates/friends for a little nighttime snowshoe hike...most fun I've had on a Wednesday night in a long time
  • started watching the Princess Bride because my son found it in our drawer of DVDs and we've never seen it (only made it twenty minutes because there was a loud thud in the basement followed by a scary electrical smell; see next bullet)
  • camped out in our daughter's room the other night when our heat completely died (when it was only eleven balmy degrees outside); we made do with some space heaters and a bevy of blankets, but man, that was a quick lesson in being thankful for the things we take for granted (a warm home/shelter)
  • baked cookies, drank beer, slept terribly, nursed a cold, bought some new towels because ours are all crunchy and old, counted the days til daylight savings (turns out too many to count)
  • neglected my blog

Friday, January 17, 2014

pass the Xanax, please...

My ex's girlfriend just picked up my son to go to NYC...(his dad is temporarily living/working there).
This is a first...handed him off to be driven to Philly, board a train, and make it to the city in one peanut-free piece.
I've met the Girlfriend twice and there were no red flags...just good vibes and a firm handshake.
She seems completely trustworthy and Max really likes her.
I like that she gave him Choose Your Own Adventure books for Christmas.

This sh*t never gets easy.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Been too long (my cross bike and I are getting back together)

Two (fairly unimportant) revelations while spinning along Creek Road this afternoon on my cross bike:
1) last time I rode my cross bike was April 7th, dad and I ventured out for a quick spin to shake loose pre-wedding anticipatory butterflies/nerves. We found ourselves over at the reception venue, where Toni was busy arranging flowers and Joan was grilling rosemary chicken. It was a perfect start to a perfect day...aaaah.
Why such a long interim? Yeah, I found out I was pregnant two weeks after our honeymoon (and naively thought I wasn't pregnant before the wedding...oops, took me a year to do that math). Anyway, I spent my pregnancy and entire postpartum year exclusively on a mountain bike. 
2) Austin, (TX) here I come! {maybe?}
This notion popped into my head maybe ten minutes into the ride. 
Rounding a turn, easing up a teeny tiny hill, and just like that, "Austin, here I come!"
Although my legs felt like shit today due to my very sporadic fitness/cycling "regimen" as of late (ok, lack thereof), my spirits were all, "yeah!! Cross is boss!!" I don't's hard to feel sketchy or lame on a bike that was literally made for you, no matter how long it's been or how out of shape you might be.

I'm not saying I actually have my sights set on Nationals 2015, but who knows...maybe I do.
I hate shipping my bike.
Not a fan of flying, either.
Sure do love that city...

Thursday, January 9, 2014

(the superficial)

(having a little haircut remorse today)
When Maeve was about 4 months old, my hair started falling out quite dramatically (normal postpartum stuff, but it didn't let up the way it typically should). 
After a few months of this, I mentioned it to my family doc who ruled out thyroid trouble and a host of other hair loss-causing maladies. Luckily, it started growing back.
I got sick in September and the hair loss started again...alarming handfuls in the shower, constant shedding of long strands {sad face}.
My hair was the longest it's been in twenty years, but there was weird regrowth and odd layers.
I chopped it off to the tune of six inches shorter.
Now I want long hair.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014


Last Friday, Maeve took her first steps.
She ambled across the living room, five little steps, with surprise written all over her face.
I just sat there, trying to hold in my excitement so as not to scare the crap out of her...
"That's it, girl, keep going! You got it," I quietly said.
When she plopped down, I went nuts, of course...
"Yay!!! You DID it! That's walking!! Yay, Maeve!!"  
Now she loves to take our hands and step-step all over the place, letting go now and then when the urge moves her.
While (speed)crawling is still her main mode of transport, it's fun to see her confidence grow every day.
Toddlerhood is upon us.


Episode four

I'm sick again. 
Not much to say other than:
It could be worse.
I'm worried about taking narcotics around the clock, but the alternative is suck-y, too.
At least I didn't need another lumbar puncture, at least I'm on bed rest at home.
(bright side)

Saturday, January 4, 2014

I'm really into this (Eagles) game

I stayed in bed til eleven this morning...
For three hours, I laid in bed hearing all the various family sounds down the hall...
clattering cereal bowls/laughing/crying/snapping and clacking Legos/pitter patter pajamed feet on the kitchen floor/faucet on and off/flushing/cartoons/garbage disposal/tea kettle whistle...
Saturday morning family noise, minus me.
For three hours, I laid in bed feeling sad and sick, hoping desperately that the familiar ache in my bones and thud in my head was not another onset of meningitis.
I've been all clear since October, with only three more months to go of suppressive therapy...admittedly, I was a little too cavalier with my meds around Christmastime, forgetting more days than not to take both doses.
I have the option to try to treat/manage this at home, should the symptoms return. 
So, this morning, I dutifully began my at-home protocol (one pill every two hours) and got out of bed, groggy, down, out of it before noon.
I ate some dry cereal for "breakfast" and spilled half my cup of tea.
Bill handled the kids and I barely even interacted with my baby girl before she went down for her nap.
I alternated between wanting to crawl back into bed and wanting to get up and about...after a shower wore me out, I decided up and about wasn't much of an option.
After speaking to the doctor on call (not the doc I normally see), I decided against his advice to go to the ER.
I don't want to be admitted and spend more nights away from my husband and kids...I don't want to be in the hospital.
If this is meningitis, I know there's not much they can do to treat the virus; just drugs and more drugs to manage the pain and help alleviate the symptoms.
And lots of blood being drawn, which used to not phase me a bit, but now really bothers me for some reason.

Max went to his dad's late this afternoon, Maeve has been her chipper, easy self and I've just been lazily sitting here, tucked into the corner of our beat-up couch waiting to feel better.
The game is on, Bill is sort of watching and I am happy to be home feeling this way.
(happy to be home, not happy to be feeling this way) 
I'm not into this game, at all...I hate football.
I'm hoping this is the worst of it and I can get by right here, right next to Bill.

My brother called this afternoon.
Weekends suck in jail because he doesn't get to work and all the TVs are tuned into "the game," so he likes to call and just chat (whereas many of his weeknight calls are more "businesslike"; can you ask my lawyer this/can you see if so and so can visit Thursday/would you mind arranging a care package/I'm sending you a copy of a song I wrote, keep an eye out...)
He asked about my health (I hadn't mentioned feeling sucky, haven't talked about my "illness").
Weird psychic-sibling sh*t right there.   


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

you okay, mom?

Max is ahead of me, we're running on's New Year's day.
He turns around, briefly, presumably to make sure I'm...still there?
"Mom, you okay?"
"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine, why?" (huff puff pant pant)
"Um, your cheeks are really rosy red."
Yeah yeah yeah...
A minute later, "Mom, you sure you're okay?"

Yes, I'm okay getting my ass kicked (yet again) by my nine year-old.