Sunday, August 31, 2014

In the thick of it, yet...

It's been a good week.
I feel like I'm adjusting to the meds, therapy has been productive, and I've been spending most of our mornings exploring the woods with my kids.
I've been on my bike a few times and have felt strong (enough), though more cautious/tentative than usual.
On the other hand, I've been a little bit of a recluse other than spending time with my family.
I've been really good at making plans/inviting people over only to cancel or bail almost immediately thereafter.
I'm not feeling like much of a social creature these days, but I know that will pass.
I have moments of extreme numbness, almost a state of depersonalization.
Again, I know it's normal, all things considered, yet it doesn't make it any easier.
I miss my mom immensely.
Sometimes, more so recently, I experience this overwhelming physical sense of loss and homesickness...
I think of my mom and the fact that I'll never see her alive again, never hear her voice, never have her in the passenger seat of my car grooving to whatever song comes up on shuffle, never taste her home made tortillas (mine just don't compare), never have her walk down to the bus stop with me to greet Max after school, never go out for an impromptu breakfast, never enjoy browsing through Anthropologie or having her insist on buying me something cute to wear, never see her beam with pride and delight every time Maeve would lean in for a kiss...
Never never never.
I have all these vivid, amazing memories and I have all these tokens/totems/things that belonged to her, but I don't have her.
I talked to her every day and I still talk to her, but she doesn't talk back...
For that, I'm sad.
I know how lucky I am to have a tirelessly supportive and loving husband.
Healthy children.
A dad who cares deeply.
Countless friends, cousins, family members to lean on.
I know this and quite literally count these blessings every day.
I have no doubt that I'll get through this and the pain will ease over time; however, I am having a hard time understanding everything right now.

Still, it's been a good week and I haven't lost sight of that...
The good.

1 comment:

Frankie said...

I empathize with you.Losing a parent is very difficult, but is also inevitable. The really sad thing about your loss is that your mom was so young. You should have had many more years together with her. Unfortunately, we can't decide our fate or our loved ones. Things will get easier but a hole will always exhist in your heart.
I think about your struggle often and I hope you find some peace in the coming year.