Sunday, October 26, 2014

back at it (part II)...backing off

I haven't been moved to blog/write much lately, but was inspired (at 3:30am, no less) by fellow blogger, Angie, to get back at it. (Angie is the Bikinator...I used to read her blog and think, "Wow, who is this woman? Every ride is a race?? Really??" I was bemused by her take-no-prisoners approach to training and racing and similarly, her seemingly boastful style of blogging. But you know what? She set some pretty hardcore goals for herself and did everything she could to meet and exceed those goals in a relatively short period of time. I have nothing but huge respect for her and it's been exciting to see the evolution of her blog. One of the nicest people I've ever had the privilege to line up with, Angie has truly earned the moniker Bikinator).

Anyway.
Last Sunday, I raced close to home at the West Chester Cross Classic at Rustin High School. As a spectator at this venue two years ago (when I was pregnant with Maeve), I watched the competition longingly thinking this is my kind of course...can't wait to get back at it!
Despite finishing in the back of the pack, I had such a great time on that course (which I can best describe as super flowy with the perfect balance of challenging, yet subtle elevation changes and just enough recovery to maintain energy and enthusiasm on every lap, if that even makes sense).
Although I haven't been training for this season and have only been riding once a week at best, all the little nuances of racing cross feel familiar and comfortable to me (you know, except for the part where I'm grossly out of race form and hanging on by a mere thread from the get-go).  
Surprisingly, I have felt nothing but calm and relaxed while staging and waiting for that whistle...
Surprisingly, I've been relieved to start in the last row...
I'm just having fun with it.
Racing is fun when I have nothing to prove to myself or anybody else (conversely, racing is fun in an entirely different sense of the word when I am kicking ass and ripping legs off, but I'm pretty sure those days are behind me for now).

Having said all that, I was all set to show up at Crossasurus Awesome this weekend and keep up my "racing" streak; however, I woke up today feeling especially sh*tty with a sore throat and body aches.
No need to push through, as there are still plenty of races left on the calendar in the coming months.

I've been running and dabbling in a little strength training more than I've been riding.
At this stage of the game, I'm happy to squeeze in whatever kind of workout I can between kid stuff/grownup stuff/life...stuff.
In short, breaking a sweat is more about preserving my mental health than gaining fitness right now.
I'm feeling much better.
I still think about the loss of my mom every day, but I am not wallowing in my grief.
My dad reminded me that my mom wouldn't want me to be consumed by this or to be so upset by her death.
He's right.

As for therapy and medication, I've accepted that I do need a little help and probably always will to some degree.
I am depressed and I do have serious anxiety issues.
Not because my mom died or because my brother is in jail or because crazy sh*t is happening in the world...
With the understanding that there are biological/genetic/chemical pieces to my "puzzle", that my depression and anxiety are not just situational (although my situation as of late has certainly exacerbated those issues...duh), I can handle it better.
Or more willingly.
(or something)
All this to say, to reiterate, I'm feeling much better.

Wow, if that's not a rambling, narcissistic update, I don't know what is...

   
look, mom, I'm "racing"! Photo courtesy of Dennis Smith from Whirlybird 2014

1 comment:

The Bikinator said...

Kim, Thank you for the mention in your blog. I just saw it! I haven't read any of the blogs I follow in awhile. But as my love for cycling reignites (for fun, not for competition), I am craving to be in touch with the community of cyclists. I've followed your blog for a few years now and always appreciated your openness and vulnerability. Just now, as I've read about how you cope with the loss of your mother, it helps me to see how I can help my husband as he goes through the same loss. It's been a year since his mom passed, and he is feeling the sting now as the holidays approach. Your writing has given me a hint of the ache he must feel. I want to be a good support for him. I can tell you that from watching him, there will come a point where the ache and the pain won't be so constant. I think it's already starting to happen for you. And it'll keep happening. You'll find more and more happiness. I wish I'd have come out to one of the cross races to cheer you on!