Wednesday, December 17, 2014

here I am...

(I know, I know...my legions of adoring fans have been positively LOST without my typically prolific blog posts)

Well, here I am.
Last month, I scored a part-time job to earn some extra cash for the holidays (and, admittedly, I felt like a distraction would help me deal with Christmastime without my mom).
What I didn't expect was to enjoy said job...I thought I was done with retail (so so so done), but here I am folding clothes/zipping jackets/greeting customers/extolling the virtues of goose down/sweeping floors/suggesting gifts to beleaguered husbands/trying on coats for moms who are buying for their similarly sized daughters/exchanging banter and cookies with coworkers...
In short, I love it.
And I'm staying beyond the holidays because they want me to.
So, yay!
I already got my crying-at-place-of-employment out of the way, following a minor fender bender on my way to work (my fault, totally totally my fault)...so, that's always a great ice breaker during one's first full day on the job, right?
Nothing like showing up twenty minutes late, blotchy and red-faced, apologizing tearfully while simultaneously introducung oneself to other staff members.
"Hi, I'm Kim...I just rear-ended a painfully nice woman on my way to work and ruined all her cookie trays for her grandson's baptism. Sorry I'm late. I'm an ugly crier, my face will look less like...this, soon. I promise."
Between that and surviving Black Friday, I think I can handle anything retail throws at me this time around.
This job has been such a healthy diversion from the gray bleakness that has been looming since before Thanksgiving.
While I've been doing well and feeling so much better, I really miss my mom right now and all her enthusiasm about the holidays.
I see moms shopping with or for their daughters all day long and listen to them with an even mix of wistfulness and envy.
I loved Christmas shopping with my mom.
It's been nearly six months since she died and some days I catch myself feeling guilty for feeling so good, for moving on, for not being consumed with grief anymore (which is ridiculous, because I know my mom would wholeheartedly want me to feel good).
So, while I'm having many more good days than bad, I still feel that wave of homesickness/loss/sadness usually when it's least expected and least appropriate.
I know I'm not the only one feeling this and I am surrounded by so much kindness and love from friends and family...those who randomly check in for no reason other than to say, "you're in my thoughts, here for you" even now, six months later.
That's why I'm having more good days than bad.

I am looking forward to Christmas.
I'm excited to be carrying on my mom's Christmas breakfast tradition (and will be drinking Prosecco in her honor alongside the popovers), I'm excited to watch the kids come downstairs and gasp at the tree, I'm excited for Christmas dinner with my aunt and cousins, I'm excited to fill my husband's stocking with a heartfelt note and his favorite candy...it's going to be fine, it's going to be good.

Here I am.
Blogging/writing a lot less, but still showing up when the urge moves me...still needing/enjoying this outlet and still appreciating every one who checks in (all nine of you).
Thank you for sticking around.
xo

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