Friday, January 30, 2015

Kind of a big deal...

My therapist, Tony, gave me the okay to not come back for the foreseeable future.
At the end of this morning's session, I walked out of the office feeling...
Proud??
Lighter??
(And I think it's worth mentioning that the sun was shining, the sky was blue...a reminder that February is a short month and there will be signs of spring in March)
Not proud because I was given the green light to stop psychotherapy...I guess proud of seeing it through and not giving up this time.
Needless to say, that door is always open should I feel compelled...and that door feels a lot less intimidating than it used to.
For now, I am good.
I am well.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Another Thursday


I'm the laziest laze that ever lazed today...
My little one woke up out of sorts, crying and pointing to her toes, demanding me to "fix it? fix it!" Tears continued and I also had to kiss invisible boo-boos on her forearm about thirty times.
Maybe she's coming down with something, who knows?
I bailed on ride plans, cancelled the sitter, and pretty much followed the little Queen's lead for the entire morning.
Rudolph (Oo-doff) movie again?
Sure.
Paints?
Sure (this time, I cut up a new sponge & let her figure out what to do with that...big hit).
Playdoh?
Okaaaaay (which means I end up making a dozen little bears...and binkies, blankets, beds, pillows, and treats for the bears per the little Queen's requests).
And that's what filled up our morning.
She didn't touch the grilled cheese she asked for (and I wasn't hungry, either)...
We read three books and then she gathered all her very specific nap gear and toddled into her room.
I love this age...she's stringing more and more words together, expressing opinions (what she does or doesn't want to wear), playing independently in her own little world (or, conversely, playing imaginatively with her big brother).
I think all this action wears us both out sometimes.
After I tucked her in, I sacked out on the couch and slept soundly for two (TWO!)
solid hours.
Upon waking, I decided to continue my lazing & proceeded to eat my first bag of Cadbury mini eggs of the season.
(Easter candy on the shelves before Valentine's Day? Why?)
That's been my Thursday...that's it, that's all.
Some days are super-productive and even I'm impressed with how smoothly everything went/how much I accomplished/how awesome the pizza dough turned out/how great that workout felt blah blah blah blah...
Not this Thursday, though.
I might not even set foot outside my house (but, I will take a shower...eventually).
Some days (few and far between, but still...), I truly, unapologetically, laze.



Thursday, January 22, 2015

"You just gotta keep livin, man. L-I-V-I-N..."

Last week I was in a major major funk...
Like break down and cry and then cry some more and then keep crying and crying funk.
Tissues balled up, heaving sobs...poor, hapless husband out of ideas, yet not for lack of trying (man, I lucked out with him).
I missed my mom.
I missed my mom like a big baby.
My dad was away and I was having a very feeling-sorry-for-myself moment (a moment that lasted about 48 hours, if we're counting)...I was in full-on wallow mode and there was no getting around or out of it.
I really really really missed my mom.
I mean, I miss her all the time, but I'm not consumed by it.
Last week, I think it's safe to say I was a bit consumed by it.
The things I miss most about my mom lately:
Just her voice and laugh...duh.
Counting on her to just simply hang out with me during the most basic or mundane of tasks..."Mom, I'm cleaning my laundry room/running to Target/raking leaves/grocery shopping/baking banana bread, want to keep me company?" and more times than not, she'd not only be up for it, she'd make it fun.
Asking her for advice...whenever I'm on the verge of a huge parenting fail, I miss calling my mom for guidance/reassurance/a reality check ("Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly...")
Again, I find it's the little things lately...

I went to the cemetery after the snow a few weeks ago and drew silly doodles and notes with a stick all around her site. I don't know what else to do sometimes, you know?
Sometimes, I'm there and I talk out loud.
Sometimes, I'm just sitting there, completely zoned out and thinking of everything but my mom.

Anyway, the day after my most recent meltdown, I stumbled upon Dazed & Confused on IFC after the kids were in bed...right from the opening credits.
Twenty-two years ago, my mom and I saw it in the movie theater together the night it premiered.
We may have giddily pre-gamed in the parking lot (discreetly) in keeping with the errrrr, spirit of the movie.
It was an awesome, albeit ordinary, night out with my mom.
So, I watched it again and felt better when it was over (without any herbal enhancements, I might add).
While I don't think I'd chalk that one up to divine intervention, I can't completely discount that notion.

And, hey, it's a f*cking great movie...I don't care what you say.