Saturday, June 25, 2016

Late June

Approaching June 27th, I feel anxious & sad.
That day will mark two years since my mom died.
And while I think of that day plenty of other times during the year, it seems to kinda punch me in the gut right about now.
Sometimes I get stuck on one piece of that day.
What her breath sounded like after the machines were shut off.
What her skin felt like when I laid my head next to her arm on the hospital bed.
What color shoes (cute cobalt flats) one of the residents was wearing during rounds.
Sometimes I get stuck on what happened in the days that followed her death.
People showing up & taking over. 
Me going through my mom's stuff & feeling like a thief (ridiculous).
"Isn't it too soon?" I'd ask my dad as he lovingly encouraged me to take whatever I wanted.
Dresses & shoes that I had borrowed from her.
Because she had cool style (without even trying).
A pair of teeny tiny diamond studs that I had given to her years before.
That part of the aftermath was almost exciting (sounds weird, but it's true); holding tangible pieces of Mare, smelling her...having her, essentially.
Sharing beloved pieces with family & friends, holding things aside for my brother, for our kids.
I really do try to wear something that belonged to my mom everyday.
Lately,  it's a particular ring; sterling silver thin band with tiny carved zig zags on either side of a delicate opal chip (smaller than a pin head). I wear it on my right hand, middle finger & barely know it's there. It's that perfect.

But, I didn't mean to go on & on about my mom's "stuff."
I was actually going to write about choosing her funeral garb; that was a weird process & my dad left it pretty much up to my discretion.
I found it odd & sort of funny that the funeral director, Ron, told me to include undergarments.
The dress was easy...I chose a long silk shift she wore to my first wedding. I was with her when she found it and it was perfect for her. That was a fun shopping day & I really miss shopping with my mom (probably the only person I really truly enjoyed shopping with).
Pale green, ankle length with delicate embroidered & beaded flowers randomly scattered.
For shoes, I chose champagne flats that she had worn the previous weekend to a neighbor's daughter's wedding. I remember stopping by that day as she was getting ready. It was the first time I'd seen her dressed up in a long time & she wanted me to help her decide which shoes. My mom always wore flats, lest she'd almost surpass my dad's height in heels. Her hair looked awesome that afternoon & I made a mental note to borrow that dress (ironically, I wore it just a few weeks later to her funeral). Is that irony? I always feel like I get that wrong.
Anyway.
Stockings, pretty underpinnings...a loose shrug/wrap (the dress was sleeveless) to hide all the IV marks. Her wedding band. And a locket (within the locket, tiny photos of her three grand babies).
Hair was done naturally, with that casual swoop & tucked behind an ear (no earrings; my mom had a thing about other people touching her ears). A Clinique berry lipstick that was in her purse. Just mascara.
My mom wore very sparse makeup. She didn't need any.
Although the funeral was closed-casket, our immediate family had the option to view her before visitation commenced.


First, I went in alone & placed some items in her casket. 
She looked...dead.
But, serene. Beautiful. And like my mom.
She still looked like my mom (which was quite jarring, yet such a relief).
Next, I brought Max in (he wanted to). I'm sure he grew up a little faster in a way I wasn't ready for in that moment. 
(But, we don't get to choose such moments)
And that was that.
Ron closed the casket & that was the last time I saw her in the flesh.

So, the date is looming...just two days away.
And I'll mark the day much like I did last year
I'll go to the Oaklands, I'll enjoy some of her favorite things, listen to some of her favorite songs...(but, I do these things often...and some of her favorites have become my favorites, too).

Bit o Honey
Ashes to Ashes
Gray Aerie sweatpants
Jeopardy
The Sound of Music
Scrabble
Sapphires
Thunderstorms
Pulling weeds (SIKE! I HATE pulling weeds)
...just to name a few

I don't know a better way to wrap up this meandering post than that little list.
xo
   Screenshots, yep

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