Thursday, January 5, 2017

Hey There, New Year...

I have misplaced my spark for writing.
2016 was the year my blog kinda faded away.
Even now, as I write this, I feel so...meh.
I'm eager to share my thoughts, but too busy/tired/lazy to do it here...or to sort it out in words relevant or meaningful enough to write.
For a while, I think my meds were numbing my creativity.
I'm okay with losing some of that (if it is just temporary) in the name of fixing myself.
Now I feel like a less sad/worrisome version of myself so I am hoping there will be room for something...else.
Something else to pour my energy into.

I rode my bike with my dad on New Years Day (also happens to be his birthday and it's become tradition to start the day with a ride).
The trails were muddy in some areas, but I was able to stay upright & attack some tricky spots with confidence.
I hadn't touched my bike since OCTOBER.
In fact, I logged way more miles on foot than on two wheels for the year.
And I only rode at Harmony Hill, the most local trails to me, all of 2016.
First year in ages without even one bike race.
First year ever that I didn't venture out to other trails or ride with groups.
I've noticed the less often I ride, the more efficient my effort is; I'm more inclined to ride aggressively and do everything I possibly can to not get off my bike to hike it or carry it over obstacles I know I should/can just ride over.
It's still incredibly fun and I'd love to get out there on my humble little hardtail more often in 2017.
Different trails and hopefully with my husband.
Other than that, I don't feel like reflecting on the past year here beyond:
  • I ran many, many miles with a fantastic group of friends, with my dad, with my son, and by myself . I am a runner, no getting around it anymore.
  • I painted and drew and shared and sold my art; that felt great. I will keep moving forward with that endeavor. It deserves more of my attention.
  • I tried hard to maintain strong ties with my brother, still incarcerated until at least 2018. There have been times I have needed him last year and simply just couldn't connect, which is frustrating and sad. Our family has changed so much since he began serving time in 2013 and it feels lonely to not have each other's backs right now.
  • For now, I am not in therapy...I feel so fortunate to have found a psychologist that I click with. It's been two and a half years since I started treatment; this past year I have really grown to understand the cycle and nuances of depression. I feel better prepared than ever to handle the inevitable lows. Knowing that I can pick right back up with therapy whenever I need to, without shame or embarrassment, is more comforting than I can describe.
  • My kids are growing up so freaking fast. I feel like an absolute farce of an adult/parent sometimes for being responsible for these two awesome is equal parts what the fuck am I doing please don't let me screw them up too much and Damn! I am pretty great at this.
That sums up what I feel most strongly about, looking back and looking ahead.
2017 will mark my TENTH year blogging, or "hardtale-ing", as it were.
I'd love to come back here more often.
Thank you for reading, always.

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